Your marriage is strained because you expect too much from it

Your marriage is strained because you expect too much from it.

Many marriages today are suffering, stressed, and on the verge of divorce because modern people have unrealistic and even impossible expectations for their relationships.

Others remain perpetually single because they are looking for a partner to be their “everything”. Best friend, lover, provider, housekeeper, parent, business partner, therapist, alarm clock, entertainment, etc.

Every expectation we have for our marriage is a strain we are putting on it. A stronger marriage can handle more strain, for a while. But no marriage is meant to bear what many are expecting.

Today Im going to go over just two areas where most people’s expectations are mismatched with reality.

Why do so many people expect so much from their marriages?

Because they fundamentally misunderstand how human society was and still should be organized.

Myth: The family is the basis of civilization.

Reality: The core building block of European civilization is the Männerbund, not the family.

Männerbund: the all-male warband or brotherhood

For more than ten thousand years, men would leave their birth families, join a männerbund, and bond with their brothers over shared struggles. These bonds remained even after they settled down with wives, and they are what keep society together and relatively peaceful.

Millions of small federations of men conquered new lands, cleared forests for new villages, formed guilds, built settlements, and went on adventures on the land and seas. A patriarchy of resourceful, valiant men ruled the world.

But men today have no friends; they don’t go on adventures; they do nothing heroic. They lead boring lives of desperation, vainly hoping that their wives and children will fill their need to associate with other men.

Your wife is no substitute for brotherhood.

Don’t put that weight on her. Spend time with other men who will build you up and make you a better man. Invest in these relationships.

Myth: Women only need their husbands attention.

Reality: Women need other women to work with and relate to.

Many married stay-at-home mothers are alone without any adults for most of the day. This can be emotionally and physically grinding for a woman.

Back when we lived in smaller communities and people had social skills, women used to have their mothers, sisters, and friends to work with.

In my family, my great-great-grandmother and her sisters would each take turns cooking for the children of the 12 families that made up their tribe.

One day each week, she and her sister would make a huge pot of stew for all the kids. That’s 12 families with 10 or more children each. That’s a big stew. On other days, a different set of sisters would do the cooking.

The children would all play together, with the older ones helping with the younger ones. The boys would tend the animals and farm, and the girls would help with the domestic chores.

Despite having 16 children, my great-great-grandmother had a lot of free time to rest, read, and chat with her sisters.

Women, don’t expect your working husband to be involved in your domestic chores. You need to both get organized and socialized so that it’s not such a burden to you. Make some friends and learn how to vet them so that you can share childcare and help each other out.