Women, Responsibility, Abuse and Agency Society teaches boys

Women, Responsibility, Abuse and Agency

Society teaches boys. “The world is dangerous and full of predators, and you are responsible for protecting yourself. Don’t put up with disrespect. You get treated how you let people treat you.”

Society teaches girls. “It’s never your fault if you are treated badly; you’re just a helpless victim, and there is nothing you can do about it.”

Why do we tell the truth to the boys, and lie to the girls?

Because these two narratives produce two distinct attitudes about security, agency, and our roles in choosing the path of our lives, if you want to abuse women, you lie to them about their ability to make smart decisions to avoid danger.

Additionally, if someone cannot emotionally cope with their own role in choosing and accepting bad treatment in the past, they are likely to self-manipulate about their level of responsibility.

Four big toxic lies society tells women:

☠️ Men are dangerous. ☠️ You should be able to do anything you want without any repercussions. ☠️ You’re a victim. ☠️ It’s never your fault.

Let’s look at why each of these lies is so dangerous to women’s health, security, and emotional stability.

1. Men are dangerous. Like all great lies, this one is also true. Men are dangerous. We are supposed to be dangerous. We are the most advanced predators on this planet.

The lie within is that “all men are dangerous to all women and that it is impossible to tell the good men from the bad men because there are no good men”. Yes, that is a self-conflicting sentence and makes no sense. Lies do not need to make sense; they are not a reflection of reality but a distortion of it.

Women who believe this lie get exactly what they are looking for: men who are dangerous and abusive to them. They also push away men who are protective, which is dangerous to bad men.

Of course, their self-inflicted bad experience reinforces the lie in their minds. They then end up repeating it, thinking they are helping while they emotionally handicap another generation of young women.

The reality is that women are safest when surrounded by dangerous men who love them and are bonded to them for life through marriage or family.

2. You should be able to do anything you want without any repercussions. Any time they say “you should be able to” what they mean is “I don’t like reality and wish it was different”. Its childish talk cannot be taken seriously by mature people.

There are always dangers and consequences to taking risks. Western men created the safest nations in history, so safe that our women were able to indulge in magical thinking about safety and the nature of humanity. We are now feeling the consequences of that.

You cannot guarantee your safety at all times; life is risky. But you can guarantee you will become a victim if you make enough stupid decisions. So be smart, be wise, and stay safe.

3. You’re a victim. It’s a hypnotic suggestion to women, encouraging them to behave as victims. If you act like prey, you will be preyed upon. This is nature and the default state of reality.

Just because you were harmed does not mean you were a victim. Many times, our harm is at least partly self-inflicted. That’s good news because it means we can make different choices and stop hurting ourselves. But only if we refuse to see ourselves as victims.

When someone is victimized, identifying themselves with the crime perpetrated against them keeps the wounds open and unable to heal. It becomes who you are instead of something that happened to you. That can be crippling and lead to repeated abuses or even the seeking of abuse to fulfil a perceived identity.

4. It’s never your fault. This is another half-truth. When they say “fault,” they mean “responsibility.” They are saying that women lack the ability to be responsible for themselves in even the simplest ways.

Removing all responsibility from women prevents them from learning from the past and altering their future behavior to be safer. It’s a very dangerous lie.

This lie also assumes that women have no agency, as if they never grew past the age of reason (7 years old). Only someone with a very low opinion of women would say such a thing.

No one is to blame for the actions of others, but there is often something that you can do to avoid interacting with bad people. Learn how to avoid high-risk places, times, people, and actions. Dress appropriately for the location. When you are not under the protection of reliable people, don’t compromise your sobriety.

This was all simple and obvious to our great-grandmothers, but then again, they were told the truth and expected to exercise good judgment.

So many people lie to women about their ability to direct their own lives that when someone tells them the truth, they react with a mix of anger, fear, and pain. It is not popular or profitable to tell women the truth.

Both abusers and most women don’t want to hear the truth or accept any personal responsibility for their actions. But I’m still going to tell you the truth as lovingly and as kindly as I can without it losing its clarity, even if you hate it.

Objections:

“You’re victim-blaming.” And you are enabling foolish behavior that hurts women far more than assigning them some level of agency and responsibility.

“The Bible says you’re wrong.” The Bible is way more harsh on women than I am in this post. The Bible is harsh on everyone; expectations and standards are high.

“The law says you’re wrong.” I don’t care. To the extent that the law reflects reality, it is correct and agrees with what I wrote.

“Men should do x.” “It’s always the man’s fault.” As women, you can’t make men do anything we don’t want to do. You have no control over us, and you have even less control over bad men. What you can do is control yourselves, attach yourselves to protective men, and make better choices.

“So I’m to blame for my abuse? That’s what you’re saying.” “So you’re saying it’s the abused woman’s fault?” How did you escape your abuse? What exactly did you do, and why did it start with you taking responsibility for your choices and making a choice to leave? Women will take responsibility by fixing their lives and leaving an abuser, and then not admit they took responsibility out of shame for not doing so earlier. That’s silly, but common.

“I have a degree in mental health and…” I don’t care which pseudoscientific institute you were indoctrinated in; you’re wrong, and I’m right, women can choose to have agency.

One additional note: We have started to tell young boys the same lies we told young girls, and now we are raising a generation of fearful, timid young men who blame others for their emotions. It’s a tragedy.