In today’s world, if you don’t enjoy small talk, like a well-structured...

In today’s world, if you don’t enjoy small talk, like a well-structured schedule, and get mildly distressed when someone moves your coffee cup two inches to the left, you might be diagnosed with autism. But hold up—before you start researching sensory-friendly clothing, have you considered the possibility that you’re just German?

1. You Hate Small Talk

Autism: “Why do people waste time talking about the weather? Just check the forecast.” Germany: “Why do people waste time talking about the weather? Just check the forecast.”

Coincidence? We think not.

Germans don’t do small talk. In Germany, social interactions are for getting things done or discussing the finer points of Nietzsche over beer. If you enter a German cafe and try to start a conversation with the person next to you about their weekend, they will look at you like you just suggested adding pineapple to bratwurst.

2. You Like Rules & Structure

Autism: “Rules help me function and provide stability.” Germany: “Without rules, society collapses into chaos and inefficiency.”

If you have ever found deep satisfaction in an efficiently managed train schedule, congratulations—you may not be autistic, just born to appreciate German infrastructure. Germans love rules so much that they will stand at a red pedestrian light at 3 AM with no cars in sight just to maintain Ordnung (order).

3. You Struggle with “Casual” Social Norms

Autism: “Why do people lie about being happy to see each other?” Germany: “Why do Americans say ‘Hi, how are you?’ when they don’t actually care?”

A German greeting is honest and transactional:

“Good day. I acknowledge your presence. Let us now discuss the task at hand.”

No fake smiles, no unnecessary compliments, no emotional labor beyond what is functionally required to complete the interaction.

4. You Take Everything Literally

Autism: “Why did you say ‘drop me a line’ if you don’t actually want me to throw a rope at you?” Germany: “Why did you say ‘drop me a line’ if you don’t actually want me to throw a rope at you?”

German language doesn’t do pointless euphemisms. If you say, “Let’s meet at 2 PM,” and then show up at 2:05, your German friend will be deeply disturbed because 2:00 is not 2:05, and now they are questioning your moral integrity.

5. You Hyper-Focus on Precision and Details

Autism: “I need everything to be exactly right, down to the millimeter.” Germany: “Precision is the foundation of all civilization.”

Ever seen a German engineer design a car? That is pure, unfiltered, high-performance hyperfocus. Germans have a word for everything, including a specific term for walking while drinking a beer (Wegbier). Why? Because details matter.

6. You Find Bureaucracy Weirdly Comforting

Autism: “Filling out forms correctly is satisfying.” Germany: “Incorrect paperwork means the world will collapse.”

If the idea of a well-organized filing cabinet fills you with joy and you experience existential despair when someone mislabels a document, it might not be autism—you might just be genetically programmed for German paperwork culture.

7. You Have a Low Tolerance for Stupidity

Autism: “Why do people behave so irrationally?” Germany: “Why do people behave so irrationally?”

German efficiency is not just a stereotype; it is a moral imperative. If you have ever watched someone struggle to operate a self-checkout machine and felt the overwhelming urge to seize control of the situation immediately, welcome to the German mind.

8. You Experience Physical Distress When People Are Late

Autism: “Being late is unpredictable and stressful.” Germany: “Being late is dishonorable and fundamentally incorrect.”

Germans treat punctuality the way religious monks treat prayer—with absolute devotion. If you tell a German you will meet them at 3:00 and arrive at 3:01, you are already dead to them. They have calculated their departure time, synchronized their watch, and factored in potential delays to the second. Your lateness has now disrupted the natural order of the universe.

If you have ever shown up 15 minutes early to an event just to feel calm, this might not be autism. This might be a biological reaction to German DNA.

9. You Have an Unwavering Commitment to Honesty

Autism: “Why would I say something I don’t mean? That makes no sense.” Germany: “Why would I say something I don’t mean? That makes no sense.”

Germans believe in brutal honesty as a public service. If you ask a German for feedback, you had better be prepared for a fully detailed, efficiency-driven performance review of your entire existence. While other cultures soften the truth to spare feelings, Germans treat diplomacy as an inefficient waste of time.

Your outfit? Suboptimal. Your work ethic? Could improve by at least 17%. Your personality? Tolerable, but lacks precision.

10. Your Emotional Range is a Flat Line

Autism: “I don’t outwardly express emotions like other people.” Germany: “Showing too much emotion is inefficient and potentially embarrassing.”

Germans have two emotions: neutral and mildly satisfied. If a German wins the lottery, they will nod in acknowledgment. If their house burns down, they will sigh and file the insurance paperwork with the precision of a Swiss watch. Crying is reserved for funerals, and even then, it must be minimal and well-timed.

If you’ve ever been accused of having the emotional range of a particularly well-made IKEA chair, congratulations—you may not be autistic, just culturally programmed for efficiency.

11. Your Home Looks Like an IKEA Showroom—But Even More Minimalist

Autism: “Clutter is overwhelming. I need things organized and logical.” Germany: “Clutter is dishonorable and fundamentally incorrect.”

Ever walked into a German home? It is immaculately organized. Every item has a function, and if it doesn’t, it is removed from existence. The aesthetic is clean, practical, and ruthlessly efficient—a delicate balance between Bauhaus minimalism and a near-religious devotion to storage solutions.

A German living room contains exactly one high-quality couch, one precisely placed coffee table, and zero unnecessary decorations. If there is artwork, it serves a purpose. If there is a plant, it was selected after extensive research on air-purifying efficiency.

If you have ever looked at a cluttered room and felt genuine existential horror, this might not be autism. It might just be ancestral German instincts activating.

Conclusion: Diagnose Wisely

Before self-diagnosing autism based on a BuzzFeed quiz that told you “If you like trains, you might be neurodivergent,” consider your genetic and cultural heritage. Maybe you don’t need therapy. Maybe you just need to move to Bavaria.