In most marriages, the husband has a male cognitive bias and the wife has a...

In most marriages, the husband has a male cognitive bias and the wife has a female bias.

What does that mean?

It means you are going to have different preferences in how you solve problems, communicate, feel about things, bond, establish relationships, set boundaries, perceive the world, plan for the future, etc.

These differences will create conflict in the marriage. It’s up to both of you to decide whether that is productive conflict, which produces win-win outcomes, or unproductive conflict, which produces losses.

Let’s start by understanding sex-based cognitive bias (at the interpersonal level). Please note that this is not a good vs. bad issue; they are just different for the different spheres that each sex naturally operates in.

Thank you to @curtdoolittle, my good friend, for the following:

Sex Differences in Cognition: Feminine vs. Masculine

• In Time (now) vs. Over Time (future)
• Empathizing vs. systematizing
• Consuming vs. Capitalizing
• Irresponsibility vs. Responsibility
• Devotion vs. loyalty
• Small scale vs. large scale
• Herds vs. Packs

Given Sex Differences in Limits:

• Masculine: There is a limit to the responsibility I can bear. —vs—
• Feminine: There is no limit to the consumption I can bear.

Female cognition is optimal for caring for an infant child.

• In Time (now) - The baby needs to be fed NOW.
• Empathizing - The baby needs to have its feelings read by the mother. Babies are all a bit different, and a mother needs to make a personalized solution for the baby.
• Consuming - For months, both the baby and the mother must consume enough resources for both to flourish while not producing any new resources.
• Irresponsibility - The mother must avoid any responsibility that negatively impacts her or the baby’s health. Low-stress, unburdened mothers produce the healthiest babies.
• Devotion - The mother must be 100% devoted to getting that baby to childhood.
• Small scale - The mother cannot be concerned with the tribe while she is caring for the baby.

Male cognition is ideal for building a house.

• Over Time (future) - The house must be built to last and be efficient over time, even if that means higher up-front costs.
• Systematizing - The house must be built according to the rules of physics and building codes for safety and ease of building.
• Capitalizing - The man invests his excess capital into a house, creating something of even greater value in the end.
• Responsibility - The man takes full responsibility for how his work turns out, even at great personal costs.
• Loyalty - A craftsman thinks about the needs of whoever is going to buy and maintain the house, ensuring that his work is not going to make their lives harder.
• Large scale - A man must calculate the whole process of building the house, everyone involved, the whole scope of the product, and the costs of it before starting the project.

Differences in cognition are usually advantageous. They only cause problems when male cognition is applied to the female domain, or vice versa. This can also occur when a man and a woman share a single responsibility and each prefers to carry out tasks according to their own preferences.

This is why a clear division of labor is so vital to managing a marriage and household.

• What is the wife’s natural domain?
• What is the husband’s natural domain?
• Do they overlap? Where? Comment below.

However, you divide up the domains, and you must allow your spouse to discharge their responsibilities without your interference. Give them the space and trust to use their natural biases and preferences to produce a win for the family.