"I married a narcsist/cheater/abuser, and there were no red flags

“I married a narcsist/cheater/abuser, and there were no red flags.”

There were red flags; you just didn’t see them in your eagerness to make the relationship happen at all costs. Or you saw them, but he or she was hot/rich/cool/popular, so you ignored them.

Every single person has red flags. None of us are perfect. If you didn’t see any of the red flags, that is a red flag.

It’s ok; you made a mistake and probably paid dearly for it. But here’s the thing: pretending that it was unknowable is hurting other people who need to understand that they can make better decisions.

Every time I hear the “no one really knew him story” in detail, it comes out that it was obvious; people warned them; they knew and ignored the signs. Occasionally, no due diligence was done, and things were intentionally missed. Important questions were not asked, and no effort was made to uncover anything that would decrease the chance of wedding bells.

Red flags were painted green in their minds. “Got to make this happen” mentality

A decision was made based on what the parties wished was reality, not what was.

“What did your father say about him?” “I don’t know; I never asked him directly; I was afraid he would say something negative.”

“Did you have some mature, close friends who have healthy relationships vet him?” “I don’t have anyone like that.” (Then don’t date or hire a coach to help you vet.)

“Did you meet their family and friends before you decided to marry? What did they say about him? What was his reputation back home?” “Before??? We met everyone just before the wedding, and I never asked; I was just trying to get everyone to like me.”

Deciding who to marry is a huge decision; you need to be doing all the work to make sure you make a good choice. This is not just about vetting the other person; it’s about making sure you are not manipulating yourself into a bad situation.