Getting her to commit Dating advice for men: You have a good girl; everything...

Getting her to commit

Dating advice for men: You have a good girl; everything is green flags. A few months have gone by; you go on dates, but she is anxious about moving the relationship to the next stage on the way to marriage. What do you do?

When dealing with female anxiety, especially about commitment, you should follow the same basic pattern. It’s better to learn this now; this is not the last time she will demonstrate some anxiety.

Some women need to be sure beyond an unreasonable doubt before making decisions. They tend towards neuroticism, which makes them see all the risks and threats as big and scary.

Furthermore, most women naturally experience anxiety when assuming these roles because their parents did not raise them to be wives and mothers.

Women value security above all else, and the way most were raised didn’t give them the tools needed to establish relationship security. Remember, anxiety is just fear of the future, a rational response if one is not prepared for it.

Your goal is to get her out of her emotional spiral, to think about her feelings, and to process them in a mature manner. That requires putting her emotions into a system and hierarchy, something most women struggle with. (Systems thinking results from high levels of testosterone in the brain.)

Go step by step, and don’t rush her answers.

1. Acknowledge her discomfort. (“I see/hear/feel that you are uncomfortable with what I suggested.”)

2. Normalize it. (“Yes, it’s normal to feel some anxiety over big decisions.”)

3. Ask her, “What do you feel might make you more comfortable with moving forward?”. Key words are “feel” and “might.”. These are low-pressure words and solicit better answers.

4. Let her know it’s ok to not be 100% sure or prepared. “We can learn together.”

If she says, “I’m not sure,” you can respond, “That’s ok; for now, I can be sure for the both of us.”

5. Suggest that she talk with someone with lots of successful relationship experience about what’s making her anxious.

6. Check in with her at the end. “Did that help you to feel more secure?”

There is an advanced version of this system that I teach. It includes physical cues and some hypnosis techniques to help her relax. Talk to me if you are interested in learning this.

Don’t do this:

• Get emotional, angry, or frustrated.

• Take it personally.

• Push her to make a commitment right now.

• Demand explanations for her feelings (she probably doesn’t understand them herself).

• Expect her to have adult-man levels of rationality about her emotions.

• Give her an ultimatum. If the situation has deteriorated that much, it’s time to end it.

Conclusion:

Women need to be persuaded. Historically, their friends and family played a big role in that. Now, most women have very hands-off families. This means that you have to develop the persuasion skills to get her onboard with your mission, goals, and timeline.

Lastly, please remember that her anxiety is likely not about you. You can have her married to you and three babies in her, and she will still doubt herself in her moments of low mood.

Enjoy and let me know who well this works for you.