Conflict over chores is a HUGE source of friction in many relationships. In this post, I will show you how to end these fights forever in your marriage without nagging, chore lists, or resentment.

My Story

Like most men, I was not raised to be a husband or father. My own parents fought non-stop, mostly over failures by both parties to fulfill their responsibilities and do their duty as husband and wife. Yes, I got some advice from them, but it was inconsistent at best.

At church, we would discuss the final results that were expected in a healthy marriage, but we received no practical instructions on how to get there. For most of the couples in the congergation, praying for a better marriage was simply not cutting it; they needed instructions in everyday marital behavior, not vague “love each other and pray about it” advice.

Even the successful couples I met couldn’t explain why things worked for them. When I probed deep enough, I found that many of them were not nearly as happy as they claimed to be; they were just really good at pretending.

I found many couples that managed to stay together because the husband resigned himself to the position of slave. The wife ran the house, and he did her bidding; no questions asked.

What I saw shocked me. Nobody knew what they were doing. Everyone was afraid to rock the boat and address their personal and marital shortcomings. There were no “Professional Husbands or Wives.” I found so many cowards leading lives of quiet desperation that it made me sick.

I didn’t want a marriage like my parents had, or like most of what I’d seen. Just like everything else I’ve ever done, I was convinced that I could do it better than everyone else, not because of hubris but because I have the courage to face myself and do the work. I was determined to succeed and to understand why I was successful so that I could teach my children one day how to have even better marriages.

As a child, I was fortunate to receive some of the ancient, intergenerational wisdom that made my ancestors successful because they wrote it down and my great-grandmothers shared it with me. (I encourage all of you married people to write down what you discover works and teach it to your children. The accumulated wisdom will snowball into a useful system over 2 or 3 generations.)

That old wisdom gave me a start. Early on, I was taught how to uncover truth through Socratic questioning. Now I was like a dog with a bone. Keep in mind that I was in my early teens at this point. I learned everything I could about the human mind, traditional marriage cultures, and organizational skills.

By my mid-teens, people were asking me for advice on relationships and marriage. I didn’t have the personal experience to provide answers, but I was able to approach these subjects in a manner that provided people with clarity and clear solutions to their challenges.

In my early 20s, I got married after finding someone who fit what I understood to be ideal for me. Of course, no one is perfect for anyone else, but she was close enough to a perfect match for me, and that was more than good enough for a start.

Shortly after getting married, I became ill for a few years. You can read about it here: https://x.com/NoahRevoy/status/1756272185021264282

During that time of prolonged illness, I let everything slip. I was not the husband I was when I was healthy. We were in survival mode, doing anything we could to get by, and some bad habits crept into our relationship. Once I was better again, it was time to reorder things in the home and restore our marriage to full health.

A time of renewal and renegotiation

Once I was well again, I wanted to set us on the path to children, financial security, mutually better health, and lasting happiness in our marriage. That required that we get organized and change our habits.

Of course, this didn’t happen all at once. It took a couple of years and various experiments to get it right. The biggest change was to set a very clear division of responsibilities for both of us. The 50/50 adhock sharing of everything that being in survival mode required would not let us flurish as a family.

On the practical side (chores), I took full responsibility for everything financial (making money), anything that needed fixing, and security. She took full responsibility for all the domestic chores (cooking, cleaning, and shopping). Later, we applied similar traditional divisions to child care.

The Results of Change

We went from 50/50, disorganized, not getting things done, and frustrated to:

I know my responsibilities.

My wife knows her responsibilities.

The children know their responsibilities.

There is no overlap, and nothing is missing.

We just do our jobs.

There is no fighting over chores, no resentment, and all the necessary things get done. Peace reigns in an organized kingdom.

What Have We Learned?

Without the husband’s leadership, the family will remain disorganized. Men, you must step up and lead by setting priorities and deciding what type of life your family will live. This means you have to initiate difficult conversations about what needs to be done and make decisions that impact your whole family.

Separation Of Responsibilities Is Key To Peace.

Overlapping and unclear responsibilities lead to unmet expectations, disappointment, and even resentment, which are the main causes of serious conflict in relationships.

Most couples lack clear definitions of who is responsible for what, so they fight needlessly over chores. I will now show you how to fix that problem forever.

Setting Limits.

Establishing responsibilities requires clear, honest, and respectful communication. Both of you need to know your limits and each other’s limits. No one should agree to take on responsibilities that they do not have the time, energy, or ability to fulfill. This is the moment to “let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.”. A properly organized marital team with competent leadership shouldn’t need a lot of “stepping in to help.”.

Following these natural limits may result in you not having the exact life you desire if you cannot create it within the time you have and with the energy and resources you possess. Be humble enough to embrace this reality, and discover joy in what you can accomplish by living a simpler life.

Husbands, Set The Families Poriorities.

One huge area where you, as a husband, can help your wife is setting priorities. Poriorities require a mental hierarchy, and that’s simply not how women’s brains are wired. That kind of thinking is heavily connected to the effects of a lifetime of higher testosterone on the brain. This is why, in the mind of a woman, “everything is important,” which really means “nothing is important.”. You can help her sort out what is important.

If your wife needs you to regularly “take things off her plate,” then either a) she is poorly organized, b) she has promised to shoulder more responsibilities than she can handle (often outside of her core duty as a wife and mother), or c) she sees you as her slave. Women have no limit to their ability to consume your time, energy, and finances; she will run you flat out until you break if you let her. As a husband, it’s your job to set the limits and say “no” as appropriate.

You and your wife can still ask each other for help. But both of you should maintain a high enough level of organization to prevent the need for regular help on the same issues over and over again. If something comes up repeatedly, it’s time to assess your commitments and reduce or redistribute them. Having weekly family meetings is one of the best ways to assess how well you are both doing and plan improvements.

The Wife Is Her Husband’s Helper

In a healthy marriage with natural sexual polarity, the wife is the helper of the husband. She “exists to take things off his plate.”

The Mountain Housewife (@mtnhousewife) highlights three crucial points in this passage:

The purpose of a wife is to take things off her husband’s plate.

Many women “have taken too much upon themselves outside of serving their husbands.”

The need for overworked wives to review their priorities. This should be done in council with your husband.

Read the rest of her thread for suggestions on how you can help your husband: https://x.com/mtnhousewife/status/1826327820680699946

Don’t Micromanage.

This also means that husband and wife must let each other work without micromanaging. Husbands, let your wife cook, clean, etc. her way without interference. Yes, it may not be the most efficient or effective way, but that’s none of your business. As long as the outcome is acceptable, there is no need to comment on the how.

Similarly, wives who micromanage their husbands by giving them lists of chores are emasculating and infantalizing them. A man knows his responsibilities, organizes them, and plans them out. He doesn’t need his wife to tell him what to do or remind him of his responsibilities. Ladies, this is only true if you are married to a mature man, so pick your husband carefully.

My wife has never made a chore list for me.

Because I am not her son.

I know what I need to do, and I do it.

Because I am a man.

Of course, both the husband and wife need to follow through on their responsibilities and commitments. Own your tasks and get them done. Plan and prepare for success, then do it! Reassess on a weekly basis and make changes until you are able to do so.

What do you do when things are still not getting done?

What if, even after clear communication, careful planning, and organization, one or both of you are not following through on your responsibilities?

This is where skillful communication needs to come into play.

As a husband, you need to be curious rather than angry. Make sure that your wife: a) understands what is expected of her; b) is committed to doing it vs. saying yes to be agreeable; c) has the resources (time and energy) to fulfill her responsibilities.

As mentioned previously, make sure that she prioritizes her role as wife and mother over any responsibility outside of home to family, friends, or a job.

If she is overloaded, you may need to reduce her burden by cutting back.

Retire your wife. Help her quit any outside jobs.

Hire external help if you can afford it.

Help her say no to demands from friends and family.

Move to a smaller, easier-to-clean house.

Remove stuff from your house so it’s easier to clean.

Cut back on planned activities that require her energy, such as afterschool programs, entertaining, vacations, etc.

Additionally, don’t expect your wife to simultaneously be a Professional Wife, a Mother, and a Career Woman. The two worlds are not compatible, despite many women lacking the ability to recognize the harm they do by trying to have it all.

As a wife, the first thing you want to ensure is that you are not nagging, emasculating, or infantalizing your husband. No lists, no whining, no nagging, no guilt-tripping, no shaming, no threats—none of that moves men to want to help their wives. It’s all counter-persuasive.

Instead, lean into your wonderful feminine power to inspire your husband to action. At the right time and in the right way, lovingly let him know what you need and remind him that you trust him, believe in him, and are proud of how he takes care of you and his responsibilities. THEN LET HIM WORK. Give him the time and space to get things done.

Conclusion

When husbands and wives fulfill their natural roles, have clear communication about expectations, and follow through on their commitments and responsibilities, there is family peace.

If you are struggling in one of these areas, reach out to get help. DM me or see my profile for a link to book a free 30-minute chat.

Questions and answers

Men Ask: Should I Take Things Off Her Plate?

No. As the husband, you are responsible for everything in the family. Everything starts on your plate. You then delegate some responsibilities to your wife.

As mentioned before, your wife is supposed to be taking things off your plate so that you can focus on your mission. She is your helper, not the other way around. Lead her better, and get both of you organized.

If it is the other way around, you have reversed sexual polarity; you are playing the feminine role and making her play the masculine. Not healthy at all. Stop it.

Women ask: What if, despite my husband fulfilling his responsibilities, I still feel that my needs are not being met?

Are you sure that your needs are needs and not wants? How do you know the difference? Are you communicating with him clearly and in an inspiring way?

Try being more grateful for what your husband is doing; let him know how much you appreciate what he does, and perhaps he will fulfill some of your wants as well.