Overcoming resistance to boundaries Sometimes, setting a boundary for yourself...

Overcoming resistance to boundaries

Sometimes, setting a boundary for yourself can feel like choking off potentially interesting opportunities. A painful sacrifice.

This happens because boundaries are usually framed as via-negativa prohibitions, “thou shall nots.” Here is some advice that can help you to reframe boundaries as positives.

All boundaries are time limited and situational.

Instead of “I can’t do X” or “I won’t do X” or “I will never do X,” you can say:

• When I have Y conditions met, I will (or can) do X.
• I’ll wait Y days before I do X.
• I will wait until I know Y before I do X.

Thinking like this takes the boundary from a blanket prohibition to a state in a ongoing process that can be changed with the right circumstances.

Examples

• When I am married I will have sex with my wife.
• I can drink on Saturday afternoon.
• I will wait until I know I’ve been wronged to get angry.

This gives you permission to do the thing when the time and situation is right.

You already know what to do; now do it.

As far as setting specific boundaries for yourself, try this exercise. Write a letter to your future adult son if you are a man or daughter if you are a woman, and give him advice on boundaries in an area you are struggling with, such as dating, relationships, and sex.

Write to him from a place of paternal (or maternal) love and security. Be frank and open about your advice. Use your words carefully and help him feel confident and comfortable with the advice. Show him why it’s the best way for him to act. Persuade him.

That will now be your boundary. (And keep the letter for your future son so his choices are easier.).