🗣️📣"Noah, should I get a prenup?

�️📣“Noah, should I get a prenup?”

Prenups are traditional in most cultures and could decrease the rate of divorce if used properly.

Historically, in Europe, only thralls and low-class peasants married without a prenup. Often, they married by “common law,” or what we can call a de facto marriage. In other words, they just lived together as husband and wife.

Anyone with class and property considered marriage a business arrangement, and as such, it included a legal contract. Not “romantic,” but very pragmatic and functional.

Marriages were negotiated between families, clans, tribes, or even nations, usually with the approval of both the man and the woman who would be married.

Example: For 450 years, my family clan had a series of tests and a standing prenuptial agreement that everyone had to agree to if they wished to receive mutual support and insurance from the clan. This kept out people who might undermine the clan’s harmony and success.

Old money families today all have similar traditions designed to protect the family name and wealth over centuries.

In a traditional marriage union, the woman’s family would swear that she was a good, loyal, and chaste woman who was healthy and ready (trained in domestic duties) for marriage. They promised to hold her accountable.

The man’s family would swear that he was an honorable man and made a commitment to hold him accountable to provide for, protect, and preside over her and any children from the marriage.

There would be other, specific requirements that varied from family to family and included asset allocation, marriage gifts, expectations for where to live, religious expectations, treatment of children, penalties for breaking the contract, etc. Anything lawful could be included.

How does this apply to our lives today?

Everyone had a prenuptial agreement before marriage, even you!

I sense some skepticism. Think back to your wedding day, or maybe a few days before.

We all sign a legal contract before a judge, justice of the peace, or priest before (pre) they pronounce us man and wife (nuptial). That process requires us to provide identification, have legal standing to make a contract, and provide witnesses.

This agreement lays out certain expectations of the couple and which legal jurisdiction the marriage is registered under in case of some legal issue, including a divorce. In Portugal, where I live, you even have to pick an asset scheme at that time.

(Options: joint assets or separate assets, and then declare all your existing, protected assets.)

It’s no different than any other prenup, with one exception. It’s not tailored to your needs, which makes it incomplete.

Most divorces could be avoided if couples worked out their marital expectations and negotiated a win-win agreement before marriage.

If talking about our needs and expectations is good, writing them down is even better.

What should be covered in a prenup?

Couples that stay married address the first question of marriage:

“Why shouldn’t I leave?”

The stronger the answer, the stronger the incentive to stay married.

If you can’t come up with a solid answer to that question, then divorce is going to find you.

An ideal prenup would make divorce more painful than reconciliation. It would lay out a path for the resolution of serious issues and conflicts. Perhaps even stipulating a set of rules and/or a mediator to help the couple resolve issues.

Of course, it can’t be all pain and punishment. The prenup ensures that both the husband and wife have expressed their needs clearly and agreed to meet each other’s needs.

Practical matters should also be covered, such as lifestyle expectations, how to raise children, and how to deal with in-laws, ex-spouses, and stepchildren. Keep it as simple or complicated as needed.

Over time, your expectations may change, and the agreement can be updated. Don’t get too focused on planning every aspect of the future. Instead, ensure that you have an agreed-upon framework to decide.

The enforcement of such a prenup is primarily through social means. If one party breaks their oath, that needs to have a high cost in your social network. This also means that both need to share a social network to make it effective.

A prenup on its own will not change much; it’s just a piece of paper. It will not increase the risk of divorce or save you from it.

On the other hand, if a couple is dedicated to being married, ready to put in the work to master relationship skills, and patient enough to let both of them develop over time, they will always find a way to make it work.