My wife doesn’t make me happy

My wife doesn’t make me happy. I don’t make my wife happy.

Of course, our relationship brings us joy, peace, and deep satisfaction. But we don’t create each other’s happiness. We choose it. We generate it internally. And then we bring that happiness with us into the relationship.

I’m not responsible for her mood or emotions. She’s not responsible for mine. And it would be wrong, for either of us, to impose the cost of managing our emotional state on the other.

Now, I want my wife to be happy. And she wants the same for me. But when she’s not happy, I let her have her emotions. She has the right to feel whatever she feels. It’s not always going to be “happy.”

My wife is Portuguese, and like many Portuguese, there’s a tendency toward melancholy, nostalgia, and emotionally rich, uncomfortable inner weather. She’s is affected by it far less so than most, but there’s still a little of that. And here’s the thing: when someone is feeling something deep like that, they don’t want to be rescued. They’re choosing to experience it. And we should respect that choice. Let people have their emotions.

This is something we’re teaching our children too: All emotions are temporary. Happiness is temporary. So is sadness. Joy, peace, anger, jealousy, they all come and go. They have their time and place… and then they pass. We’re left to meet the next moment, and whatever feeling it brings. So yes, listen to your emotions. Let them inform you. But don’t let them rule you. And never mistake your current emotion for the measure of your life, or the health of your marriage.