Many young men fear marriage

Many young men fear marriage.

Not only because they think they might get divorced. But because they think they might be stuck in a miserable marriage that slowly drains the life out of them.

This fear is more common among conservative Christian men. In those circles, divorce is rare. But zombie marriages are not.

Here is how to think through it:

Ask yourself this: Are you happy right now?

If you are, then your standard for personal happiness is already met. All you must do is marry a woman who does not undermine that.

That is a low bar.

If you are in a healthy community where women are raised to value marriage, most of them will at least be neutral to your baseline happiness. A few will add to it and a great one will multiply it.

But what if you are not happy now?

Then marriage cannot save you from that emotional state. A woman might temporarily distract you, or bring you joy, but she cannot create happiness within you.

If your baseline is misery, then adding another person only works if she lifts you out of it. Most good women will not attach themselves to a man drowning in his own dissatisfaction, because they do not want to correct or redirect a man’s emotional energy. A good woman wants to reflect and amplify the light he already carries, not become the source of it.

If you want to succeed in marriage, you must learn to stabilize your internal emotional state first.

I use the word “happy” here for accessibility. But I do not believe men should pursue happiness directly.

Happiness is for women and children. Men should pursue satisfaction.

Happiness for women comes from primarily relationship quality, emotional resonance, and a sense of security or delight (fun). That is good. But it is not masculine. It is reflective.

Men initiate. We derive satisfaction primarily from starting projects, progress, from risk, from doing something hard and doing it well.

That satisfaction looks like happiness, but it is not the same. It is transient. It fades quickly, we get used to the new status quo and we seek something better. And it drives us to keep building.

Everything good that humanity has done has come from mens restlessness and desire for satisfaction.

If a woman is happy, she wants everything to stay the same. If a man is satisfied, he wants to do more.

This is why men who pursue happiness often become stuck. They build a life that soothes them instead of one that tests and grows them.

You can have moments of happiness with your wife and children. You can share in their joy. You can savor what you built.

But your fuel is still satisfaction.

Satisfaction from mission. From mastery. From legacy.

Do not fear marriage. Fear being the man who no good woman would want to marry. Remember, women are making similar calculations about you.

Do not be a sad sack. Learn to enjoy your live now by finding a worthy mission that gives you satisfaction.

Do that first.

Then you will see clearly which women will add to your life and which would subtract.

And that is all you need to choose well.