If you’ve been in the relationship and dating space as long as I have, you...

If you’ve been in the relationship and dating space as long as I have, you start to notice a distinct pattern.

Those who are consistently able to build and maintain healthy relationships—along with the best coaches in the field (like @Pat_Stedman or myself)—all end up saying the same core things.

We may have different aesthetics, opinions, and even disagreements on certain moral or practical details, but the fundamentals are shockingly similar—and this is true across cultures.

On the other hand, those who are chronically unsuccessful in relationships—whether they’re unhappily married, unhappily divorced, or unhappily single—also share common beliefs and patterns about why they’re stuck.

Once you see the difference between these two groups, you can’t unsee it.

Successful people in relationships:

Take ownership of their behavior.

Don’t use their spouse’s mistakes as an excuse for their own failures.

Show high agency and maturity.

Take responsibility for shaping the relationship.

Understand that love, like leadership, is a choice and a skill.

� Unsuccessful people:

� Blame others.

� Make excuses.

� Refuse responsibility, even for their own actions.

� Withdraw from decision-making.

� Obsessively avoid risk.

� Exhibit low agency and immature thinking.

These people aren’t necessarily broken. They’ve just never fully grown up—not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They haven’t yet taken ownership of their lives or realized that they can choose how their relationships go.

That’s why I say: Marriage is only for grown-ups.

And for those of us in strong marriages who want to see our children thrive, our job isn’t just to model a good marriage. We have to explain why it works. We must raise them with the competence and maturity to eventually raise their own children into adulthood, too.

Your job as a parent isn’t done when your child turns 18. It’s done when your child proves they can raise the next generation with wisdom and strength. And if that takes your entire life to see through, so be it.