By 2030, America had finally become the reality show it was always auditioning...

By 2030, America had finally become the reality show it was always auditioning for.

Derek Dallimore scrolled past a headline that read: “Senator Kardashian Proposes TikTok-Verified Marriages Act” and sighed. He missed when headlines were fake. Now everything was real and somehow worse.

It had started at the end of Trump’s second term—his final term, as there were no more terms after that. His last executive order, streamed live from a golden golf cart at Mar-a-Lago, was simple:

“I hereby dissolve the federal government. It’s bad. Sad! We’re going private, folks.”

In 24 hours, the U.S. dollar was replaced with TrumpCoin. Within a week, it was rebranded as US Gold Coin, though it had nothing to do with gold. Government services became subscription-based, priced dynamically according to your clout score and reproductive value. Voting was now determined by how many coins you held. Elon Musk currently had 43% of the Senate vote. Nobody knew why.

And then came the email.

Subject: REPRODUCTION COMPLIANCE WARNING

From: IRS.gov (Internal Reproduction Services)

Dear Citizen Dallimore,

Our records show that you are 29 years old and currently below the national fertility quota. As per the Reproduction Optimization Act of 2028, all citizens must produce a minimum of 3 offspring by age 35.

You are required to schedule a commitment check-in within 7 days. Failure to comply will result in:

Social credit penalty

Dating app restrictions

NFT passport suspension

Yours in fertility, Fertility Officer Chad Maxxwell Internal Reproduction Services

“Breed Boldly. Breed for Liberty.”

Derek blinked. He forwarded the email to Cassie.

Cassie replied with a voice memo: “We knew this was coming. Let’s get ahead of it. Come over tonight—we’ll draft a Repro Contract.”

Cassie’s apartment was a lavender-scented temple of crypto crystals and AI-powered incense diffusers. She wore her negotiation dress—something halfway between a cocktail gown and an MLM recruitment outfit.

“I propose 2.5 children,” she said, sipping her adaptogenic fertility smoothie.

“There’s no such thing as half a child.”

“It’s a vibe, Derek. We raise the third one as chipped from birth. Early integration bonuses are worth 40% more now.”

“I need three whole kids to avoid IRS fines.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “But two must be born naturally. No AI surrogates. I don’t trust them since that Neuralink scandal.”

Derek nodded. “And we tokenize the firstborn. 10,000 Baby NFTs. Each with unique poop traits.”

Cassie’s jaw dropped. “You want to mint our child?!”

“Only for the tax credits.”

Her expression softened. “We’ll discuss it.”

Cassie’s mom appeared via holo-call, cutting into the negotiations. “Four grandchildren minimum,” she barked. “Each one boosts my passive income.”

Derek groaned. “Mrs. Wu, with all due respect—”

“You have no respect until you own property. Do you even have a Pre-Nup DAO?”

“I’m working on it.”

By the end of the night, the Family Expansion Smart Contract was drafted:

Minimum of 3 children by 2035

No AI surrogacy unless medically necessary

Firstborn must be chipped within 48 hours to qualify for federal integration bonuses

Children’s meme rights remain unmintable until age 16

All disputes resolved via meme arbitration (Twitter polls only)

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

A man in a government-issued crop top entered, holding a clipboard and a baby bottle filled with protein shake.

“Fertility Officer Chad Maxxwell,” he said. “Here for your compliance check.”

He scanned Derek’s aura using a handheld love-radiometer.

“You’re trending emotionally stable. I’ll need a Commitment Intent Video for our database. Must be under 90 seconds. Preferably choreographed.”

Cassie squealed. “I already have a storyboard!”

Derek groaned. “Can I at least put on pants first?”

The next day, their video went live:

Title: “We’re Doing It for America 🇺🇸❤️👶”

It featured synchronized dancing, baby name NFTs, and a musical cameo by Cassie’s yoga instructor/trauma sommelier.

It went viral.

Derek watched the comments roll in:

“Finally! Real love!” “Peak fertility vibes!” “I staked $50 in BabyCoin—when’s the presale?”

He stared into the holo-camera, dazed.

In 2030, family planning wasn’t a dream. It was a DAO. And Derek? He was trending… again.