A recurring theme I see in modern dating is women getting cold feet when things...

A recurring theme I see in modern dating is women getting cold feet when things turn real and they see that marriage is on the horizon.

I have solutions to this problem below.

Typical timeline:

⏱️They connect, usually online, maybe IRL, with friends or at a social event.

⏱️Lots of positive early interactions by phone or text. Probably some oversharing.

⏱️They meet IRL. Great chemistry. There is lots of sexual attraction, energy, and compatability.

⏱️Two to five more good dates go by. (Sometimes it takes two to five months of dating.)

⏱️Things are good enough for the man to start talking about long-term plans.

⏱️He’s a man; he knows what he wants; he is decisive. He’s not going to ask her yet, but he lets her know that’s where things are going.

⏱️She smiles, maybe agrees, but inside she is terrified. This is real, and she does not feel prepared to take on the responsibility of being a wife and mother.

⏱️She knows that this man wants to get married, and she is terrified that she will not be able to keep him happy. Low self-esteem kicks in.

⏱️She breaks up over the phone or text after he leaves. Usually right after the best date they had so far.

She will break up with you even if she loves you because the more powerful survival emotion of fear is triggering her fight or flight response.

Later, she regrets it, but what’s done is done, and even if she changes her mind, she’s too embarrassed and hurt to let him know.

He thinks, “It’s all over now; what did I do to scare her off?” And then he never follows up with her again.

Sadly, a very compatible couple ends up continuing to look when they could have found everything they wanted in each other.

My wife did something similar. She almost backed out AFTER we were engaged. She was scared and suffering from low self-esteem. Fortunately, I had been trained to look deep into people and see the motivating reasons behind their actions. We worked it out, and now we have three children, and 21 years later, we are still married.

How to fix this situation.

For women.

Learn how to vet men objectively instead of just emotionally. Do both, but don’t just rely on your emotions.

Build up your confidence in your ability to participate in a relationship and to be a wife and mother by learning communication skills and getting therapy or coaching in this area.

If you make the mistake above, call him up as soon as possible and say sorry. You got scared, and you still like him. You just had a crisis of self-confidence. Most men will understand and even offer to help you build up your confidence.

You might cry on that call. That’s ok; you’re a woman. That’s what women do to relieve emotional stress. No man likes to see a woman crying, but no man will reject you over it.

Please realize that you do not need to be ready to get married or to say yes to marriage. You only need to know that the man asking you is a good man with good judgment, then trust him when he picks you. With his help, you will be ready for marriage.

For Men.

Go slow. Masculine men move fast, often faster than most women feel comfortable with. You need to make her at least a bit comfortable to get her yes.

Do not overshare. You can mention that you are interested in marriage, but don’t PUSH her to be “the one”. Instead, create a powerful sexual and emotional PULL so that she hopes you will ask her to become “the one”.

Women are often commitment-phobic. Commitments mean responsibility, but women like to live carefree, unburdened, and childlike lives. This keeps them youthful and happy. Mature men may prefer the joys of shouldering responsibilities, but we have bigger shoulders for a reason.

Don’t make marriage out to be a burden or risky. Don’t tell her you want 900 children on a 1,000-acre off-grid ranch in Alaska. She is scared enough already.

If she asks, “One day I would love to get married and have some children,”

Reassure her that she would be a great wife and mother to someone someday if she wanted. Say it low-key and calmly. “You would make someone a great wife and a wonderful mother one day.” Then be specific in praising some of her qualities.

Let her know that “I’m not looking for perfection, just someone who I can love and who will respect me.”

In the end, if she does pull the plug after what was shaping up to put you both on the path to marriage, acknowledge what she said, empathize, and then try this:

“Do you trust me? Do you trust my judgment?” If you get a “yes,” then follow up with “Then trust my judgment when I say that we should keep dating and that you will one day be a wonderful wife and mother. Maybe that means you and me, together; maybe not, but we need to give this a chance before we decide.”

Pick your own version of what to say, but have something in your pocket just in case there is the very real and common possibility that your woman gets cold feet just as things are getting good.