When boys are small, a father’s focus is on giving them love, and their focus...

When boys are small, a father’s focus is on giving them love, and their focus is on trying to be lovable and win that love.

But around age twelve, there needs to be a shift. It is gradual, not sudden. Boys begin to want respect more than love. And it becomes the father’s duty to teach them how to be respectable men.

Why? Because they are moving from a life centered on the family to a life that reaches into the world. Strangers are not obligated to love us, but they should respect us, if we are respectable.

Fathers must recognize this transition, and sons must learn to seek respect as they prepare to take their place in the world.

Respect is earned through demonstrated competence, and that competence must be developed in many areas. Fathers must teach their sons this.

A boy must become competent in defending himself, not only physically, but intellectually and morally as well. He must also be competent in caring for himself: earning money, paying his own way as he grows, keeping his space in order, cooking healthy meals. These things cannot be learned overnight at adulthood. They must be practiced on the way to manhood.

Competence can also be artistic. An excellent painter or musician commands respect in his domain.

The reason we need competence in multiple areas is because people respect different things. Some will respect skill in the arts. Others will respect strength or intellect. A criminal, for example, will think twice about targeting a teenager who looks capable of defending himself.

If a boy does not look like a victim, he is less likely to become one.