Men and women communicate differently because we think differently

Men and women communicate differently because we think differently.

To master communication with the opposite sex, you need to understand the cognitive differences between men and women and how these differences affect our communication with each other.

When I say “cognitive differences,” I’m not referring just to IQ.

For example, hormones affect the brain’s development and function. Men have 10x to 20x the testosterone of women; this has a massive effect on how we think. It structures the brain differently.

These differences are good and natural. The more masculine the man, the more feminine the woman, the greater the sexual polarity and attraction. It’s hotter to be different!

These differences cause tension, both sexual and social. The release of that built-up tension is pleasurable and bonding. There has been a lot of discussion about releasing sexual tension, but what about releasing social tension resulting from our differences?

Learning how to communicate better is about mastering building and releasing social tension. It’s pleasurable and a bonding experience. The first step is to understand our differences.

Men think in:

♂️Generalizations, groups, patterns, trends, and statistics ♂️Effects of actions over time ♂️Things and their relations to other things ♂️Truth before face ♂️Specifics and clarity ♂️Opportunity seeking

Women think in:

♀️Exceptions, individuals, and personal experiences ♀️Effects of actions in the moment ♀️People and their relationships with other people ♀️Social consensus ♀️Inference and subtext ♀️Risk avoiding

Just to prove my point, some women reading this are sure to be thinking, “But I’m an exception.” Or, “That’s not my experience” and “but I know some men who think like women,” etc. That’s an example of female bias.

Men generally understand that these exceptions to the pattern exist, but a not-insignificant number of men act as if they believe that there are no exceptions due to their male bias towards generalizations.

That’s ok; we all have biases.

For example, I’m saying “men” and “women,” but what I mean is:

Men = male-brained (thinks like a man) Women = female-brained (thinks like a woman)

About 30% of men think like women, and about 1% of women think like men. There are exceptions, yet my generalization is useful for understanding most communication with the opposite sex.

So how do these differences affect communication?

Men tend to speak to women like they would to another man.

The man says, “You look terrible; you need a break” from a place of love, but the woman hears it as rejection, “I don’t like how you look, I don’t like you and you are weak.”. Depending on her personality, she will either become sad or angry when confronted with a sense of rejection.

Men use blunt criticism with each other regularly, and it usually infers genuine concern and affection. They know it hurts to hear the truth in the moment, but they are more concerned with correcting the long-term effects. Women do not speak that way to each other and are not receptive to such directness.

On the other hand, women tend to speak to men like they would to another woman.

To communicate the same concern, she might talk for 10 minutes about all kinds of seemingly unrelated things while subtly hinting that she feels the other person needs to rest or make some other changes.

She is trying to reach a social consensus with the other woman on the need for change without offending her in the moment.

Another woman can listen to that volume of verbiage and understand all the subtle subtext and inferences. She gets the message and the love behind it. A man will only hear “bla, bla, bla” after the first two or three sentences. We tune out the superfluous, as it can irritate us.

Both the man and the woman expressed their love and concern for each other, yet neither got the results they wanted because they were not speaking in a way that the other party would understand.

Now, I’m not advocating for men and women to imitate each other’s speech. Men should still speak like men and women like women. What we can do, however, is adapt our delivery to be more easily understood by the opposite sex.

Men should speak firmly but gently to their women, helping them to depersonalize our practical advice and suggestions for change so that she is not overwhelmed by a feeling of rejection or shame.

Women should develop the ability to get their point across in the first sentence or two. That usually requires thinking clearly about what they want before starting the conversation. At minimum, they should announce that they have something important to say and then ask for patience while they get it out.

The text above is from a course I am building to help improve communication between the sexes, focused on communication between husbands and wives. It’s based on my decades of experience helping couples build stronger, more intimate connections that bring peace and stability to their marriages.